Stages of Growth.

In your life you will go through a lot of stages in which you might surprise yourself, by your growth and choosing what’s the best for you.

In our twenties we meet a lot of temporary people, even though we know that they are here for a short while we choose to go along the way since its better to take the chance rather than asking what if.

sometimes you meet a person and they change your perspective on so many things in life, that’s not always a good thing, that person with his own personality could teach you a lot of stuff that you are yet to learn, like how to love yourself more, how to know your worth, to actually feel what you deserve, to achieve your dreams, and to learn how to say no to the people you love if they are asking you for something that doesn’t suit you, because “you” should always come first.

the thing is, even if this person is not the right one, they will be there for a reason, they crossed your path for a reason, a good one, trust me. still they are not the person you will spend your life with. maybe they’re just here to prepare you for your next step in life, for the next person you will meet, maybe you are not ready enough, to pour your love into another soul. 

you realise that you wasted your trust and time on the wrong person, and after a while you will remember the things you used to tell them and wonder how did you ever tell those sweetest stuff to someone that doesn’t deserve them. maybe you will laugh about it too, specially when you meet someone else, and wonder how did you love the wrong person that much? how did you open up to them that much? and now that new someone is in your life, and you’re giving them more and more of what you gave before and what you said before. 

I’m not saying that this new person is also the one, I’m just saying that you as a person, you’re capable of loving more and more everyday, you’re going to change and grow up, the people you meet during that stage will change your perspective and your point of view.

You will find out that some relationships takes you up, and boost your confidence in yourself, making you realise your worth, when you know you wasted time with someone less than what you deserve.

 I’ve seen that with my own eyes, I’ve lived that. I told someone before that I’m not sure how can I live knowing that there’s someone like them with that connection we have alive somewhere and we are not together, and yet I found someone else after, that made me wonder what kind of connection was I talking about before? 

I’ve known someone who told me that she’s not capable of falling in love again right after she broke up with her boyfriend, three months later, she met someone she was madly in love with. 

There’s no rule, there’s no limits. The most important thing is to know yourself and what you’re capable of, to know your worth and what you deserve. I’m sure that if you believe in something it will come along, you just need to learn how to let go of the wrong people so you could be able to welcome new ones. 

11/5/2016

To Seoul with love.

To the people I crossed path with, the ones I exchanged glances with, the ones that starred at me, not knowing who I am, but maybe for a second we shared a single thought.

To the guy I saw holding a book in the Subway, I wondered how do you sleep at night? Do you think of your future or about your tomorrow? Is there’s someone that keeps you up thinking of them?

To that driver that looked right at me, smiled and told me I’m beautiful, do you know how much you made a difference in my day? I wonder if you’re as happy as you made me. 

To the beautiful girl who offered to help me, as I was looking around lost. Did I seem scared?  I’m just not used to people’s kindness, I apologise. 

To the guy that stayed late talking to me, I’m sorry I didn’t ask for your name, but you told me something that I’ll remember forever. Whenever I do something crazy, I’ll always remember you, I’ll always remember your favourite phrase: “ It’s not crazy enough if the thought of it doesn’t scare you a little.”

To that girl I once shared a room with, she told me her name was sunshine, and that people find it awkward, I believe your name is the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard. May you always shine.

To that guy that asked me out, I’m sorry I let you down, maybe you will never understand, but sometimes you enjoy loneliness far away from home, you want nothing but yourself. 

To that girl that took me to places I wouldn’t have seen if I didn’t meet her, you will always be the favourite part of my trip.

I left my heart in that far away place from home, I’ll always carry those memories with me, I wish I stayed longer, and took more photos, I wish I took photos of every person I spoke to. 

I’m still learning, and this is something I will never forget again, to make enough memories with the people you meet everyday.

10/5/2016

Not every person you meet is similar to the ones you have met before.

they might remind you of someone from your previous life, but they cannot replace them. 

Maybe they might appear to be the person you are looking for, with the simplest acts they do, like how they choose the same books that person used to read, or how much sugar they want in their cup of tea. 

You need to understand that not a single person you meet could replace something or someone inside of you, They cannot make you feel safe like your mother used to, they cannot love you like any other person used to.

most of all they can’t replace a feeling you used to feel.

so stop comparing people, stop comparing their acts or their words and promises. no one is a copycat from someone else, no one is here to be compared to your previous past. 

even if they give more or say more, even if they love you more than anyone ever used to, you shouldn’t point out that to them, it won’t make them happy being compared to someone else.

No one likes being compared to anyone in this life. 

9/5/2016

Everyday you discover that there's more in life than the things you choose to let it get to you.

There's more than your favorite pencil that you cried over losing it in kindergarten, there's more than that guy who left you for someone else in High school, or that one subject in College that you challenged yourself not to fail, and you didn't fail. 

There's more than dating that guy who had it all in college, and crying over your first heartbreak.

Getting mad at your best friends because they don't understand, because there's more than being understood by someone other than yourself.

There's more in this life than giving and expecting in return, being disappointed everyday by people you "thought" you loved, being used for who you are and not understanding why, or being betrayed and lied to by people you "believed" they had good intentions for you. 

There's more than believing that you need to figure out your life now, whenever that "now" is for you. There's more than asking yourself "when" when am I going to be successful?

When am I going to settle down? 

Or asking yourself "what if", what if I didn't choose that Major? What if I chose to travel to work abroad? What if I didn't let that guy down? 

There's more in life than choosing not to eat that piece of cake just because you want to look like supermodels or that you starve yourself because you want to become a size zero. 

There's a lot of achievements that you go through everyday, sometimes you don't even notice them. This is how unimportant you "think" they are, although they are very important. 

Sometimes the simplest act like smiling back at your colleagues at work is considered an achievement, going back home to find a meal prepared for you, that love you get from your friends and family, talking to your Uber driver in a kind way because he's not less than you in anything, looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking how beautiful you are, forgiving yourself for all the mistakes you did to yourself, then later on forgiving others, learning how to let go and move on from the past, knowing the difference between what you want and what you need, knowing that even if you're not there yet, you will reach soon. thanking God everyday because he blessed you with so many blessings that you sometimes forget about. 

5/4/2016

I might get caught in the wrong road, I might end up where I don't want to be, I might think twice about taking the same road again, believing that somehow I might have a different end. I might as well take a different road, that I thought would be the right one to realize that I actually had drifted.

Even after all these years of taking different roads everyday, I never give up. I never take a single road believing that I could fail at the end, although my feet sometimes fail me, but deep inside I start the road with good intentions, that at the end I'll reach a good end. I might fall 10, 50 or 100 times but you have to know that every time I fall, I stand up stronger than any time before.

We all know that what comes around goes around, and we also know that كما تدين تدان ولوبعد حين

But I know that other's Karma is not my business. I've never felt great about sharing or congratulating the misfortunes of others. 

What I'm saying is have some class and some compassion. Remember it applies to everyone.

I’m sorry for the 9 missed calls and for all the unread messages. 
I’m not scared of reading them, I don’t want to. 
I don’t think anything you wrote there or anything you want to say will change how I look at you. 
How I see you now is something that I didn’t shape through our days, No. It’s something I shaped by the end, by how you turned out to be, and how you revealed the real person behind the mask you were wearing from the beginning of our time. 
It’s funny you know, how one person could change how you see them forever by one bitter act. 
It takes a second to like someone, and another for them to give you a reason to dislike them. 

18/3/2016

And you knew how hard it was, you knew how a beautiful mess she was, that's why you chose her. Maybe it was a challenge. Maybe you wanted to prove something to yourself. Then you chose to let her go, you couldn't handle the mess, no matter how beautiful it was, no matter how happy you once were. You chose to walk away. Now after years, you remember how it used to feel, to feel loved in a broken world. You come knocking on her door, looking for the same face you used to belong. You're a tired soul full of regrets, she is a different person tired of cowards like you. 

Third in line.

So you came back, I wasn't expecting that. 

Not because I never expected people to come back after leaving. 

But because I never expected that from you of all people.

To come back after 3 months of no words. 

3 months of nothing. 

It could have been much easier if you hadn't wait that long to talk to me.

Now you're asking for forgiveness? 

Asking if we could go back to how we used to be? 

I forgave you the moment I walked away from you. 

But it's hard for me to open up to you again. 

That's something you will never understand. 

I don't trust your words anymore. 

I could see your love, I could read it everywhere, but I can't feel it. 

Thank you for trying. 

Last time we met, that was your third chance. 

Yes, I counted them. 

Your third and last. 

23/2/2016

هل نترك الاشياء لتعود لنا؟ ام نحارب من اجل بقائها؟

احدثك عن الرحيل كثيرا
اشعر بمدي تعلقي بهذة الكلمة 
بهذا الشعور.. اشعر بمدي اخفاقي
ليت الحياة كانت اكثر سهولة.. ليتنا لا نشعر ابدا بمدي اخفاقنا 
ليتك لم تعاتبني في هذة الليلة التي سالتك بها عن مدي انشغالك بالرحيل.. ليتني لم اعاتبك عن رحيلك.. 
ليتني لم اكتم ف داخلي شئ.. او ليتني كتمت.. 
لم اعد اعلم ما الذي يفرقنا.. اهو الكلام؟ الوعود؟ ام الطرقات التي تغير مسيرتنا.. 
يهجرون بعضهم ثم يسألون نفسهم عن سر وحدتهم..
يهجرون من يحبون ثم يعاتبونهم عن عدم الركض ورائهم.. 
ليتني لم اترك امي تذهب وليتها لم تذهب بدوني.. 
لا احد يترجم الشعور الذي بداخلي.. يأتون يا أمي بدافع البقاء
ثم يذهبون وكأن شئ لم يكن.. وكأننا لم نكن.. 
يرحلون ويذكرونني بغيابك.. وكأنه شئ سهل التعايش معه.. 
ليتني لم اتركك تذهبين.. ليتني تثبت بداخلك وبأحشائك ولم أخرج لهذا العالم القبيح.. 
لماذا تغافلتي عن تعليمي كيف لي ان اعيش بدونك وبعدك؟ 
لقد ارهقني الرحيل يا امي.. لم أعد افرق بين رحيل الروح ورحيل الجسد وأيهما أبشع؟ 
ليتنا كبشر خطائين نتعاطف مع بعضنا ونتفهم اخطاء بعضنا الاخر..
ليتنا نتفاهم بشكل افضل من الهجره.. وليتنا نحارب للبقاء..
للبقاء في حياة لا تعرف من اخطأ عن غير قصد ومن لا يبالي.. 
فكلنا في هذة الحياة مظلمون.. مظلمون في حق انفسنا.. نتصارع من اجل البحث عن حقيقة ضائعة.. لا نعلم بانها ضائعة بداخلنا.. 
نتصارع من اجل البقاء وكأن البقاء للاسبق..
نحارب بعضنا من اجل الغير معلوم..

————————————————-
اتذكرين يا امي لحظة تركك لجسدك هذة الليلة وانا اقبل وجهك؟ 
ليتني كنت اعلم انها قبلة الوداع..
هذة اللحظة التي تقتلني كلما فتحت عيني علي يوم جديد في هذة الحياة بدونك.. 
اتسائل اذا لم اكن قد نويت الرحيل هذا اليوم واذا لم اقبلك.. ابقيتي قليلا بعد؟ 
فلتبقي هذة اللحظة لتذكرني بمدي وجع الرحيل..

Even when you’re no longer with me on this earth, even if you no longer breathe the air I breathe, even if you stopped giving me advice, and stopped looking straight into my eyes to tell me that you love me, you’re only there in my heart and mind, Those footprints you left in every memory we had together. Even though we no longer share long conversations together, I’m still thankful for all the signs I get from you, all the signs that show me you’re around me somewhere and watching over me. 
Two days ago in the middle of everything that is going on with me, I found that paper with your handwriting in the middle of nowhere, and I knew what I had to do :) Till we meet again Mama.. 

اللهم اكفنيهم بما شئت ، وكيف شئت ، إنك على ما تشاء قدير

February stars

Sometimes you pray for the things you want the most. 

Sometimes the things you want the most doesn't want you back. 

I might have fallen in something deeper than I thought cause I prayed for something bigger than what I saw. 

I always stay up and ask myself if I'm on the right track.. I wonder if I need to change my path. 

I think of all those little things, those small parts of myself I leave behind. 

Those pieces that you can't put them back together. With every word unsaid, the way you move your lips to say something just for nothing to come out.

The way your eyes try to look directly into their soul, to discover they're looking at a void. 

How every time you feared loneliness, loneliness is what you get by the end. 

How much you wanted to ask them to stay, but letting go was much easier than holding uncertain souls. 

Then every time you lose a piece of yourself, a little dream of yours vanish into the sky. 

You're no longer the person you used to know, you're no longer the dreams you had. 

You will never be able to get back to what you were, you can never look at the sky and ask for your dreams back. 

And for that, to every unspoken word, I ask the sky to switch the light of a star. 

So maybe we could learn, maybe we could stay.

Maybe we could teach each other how to hold hands even if it's dark around us. 

January snow

It's not always about the right things you say.

Sometimes it's all about the wrong things. 

It's not always about the moment when we share everything.

Sometimes it's all about the silence that fill the phone call. 

It may never be the absence of your body. 

It might be the absence of your words. 

Sometimes it's not always about falling deeper.

Most of the time, it should be about rising up. 

Most probably we forgot about what we wanted. 

Or about the things we almost had. 

We think about what we lost. Our thoughts visit the past from time to time. 

And it's the time when you start overthinking, if it's that time of the year when you get hurt again.

You wonder if you're ready to feel vulnerable again. 

Sometimes you feel like you're willing to pick up all the pieces to glue them together, and tell the world how strong you are. Because you survived this and will survive the next.

Because what's wrong with trying again? 

Will you lose more feelings than what is lost before? 

Sometimes what is lost in the past, could be found again in a better shape in the future.

Sometimes that time you felt cold and lonely with that stranger in the park that night, will be replaced with the warmest hands to hold you at your coldest days. 

Most probably, you will forget about all those ugly moments. 

All the love you couldn't give. Or receive. 

Sometimes it will only be you and the air you breathe, in a dark room where you still remember your blessings. 

Sometimes it's not only about you and me.

It's about the moment, that exact moment you walked into that room with a mouth full of smiles and a hand full of flowers and a future full of brighter steps. 

It's that moment I remember.

No matter what happens between us, now or in our forevers. 

It's that moment I want to remember.