November Tulips.

Even if we talk all day long, sometimes I keep stuff to myself, it's what I do the best. I tend to write to you because I know you're reading this now.

You were my September tulips and my October rain. I was protecting myself from falling again. 

See, I'm good at protecting myself, but not when it comes to you. 

I know I don't need any kind of protection when I'm with you. 

I'm still afraid of failing you, I've failed someone in my August waves. Just because I couldn't see myself with him, I also wasn't ready.. And I don't talk with a mouth full of forevers when I'm not sure of my present. I'm tired of walking away from people that love me, I'm tired of people walking away from me.

I've felt loss, when my mum died and that's why that last year when people left, I didn't care that much, because I felt and grieved the greatest loss of all time. I don't want you to be a loss. I don't want you to leave. I don't wanna leave. 

You're here now, I won't lie to you and tell you that I didn't feel anything. 

I knew that something will happen one day between us, I just didn't know when. 

I'm just scared of your waiting, we're only two weeks away from meeting again. 

You're walking full of smiles and tulips. 

I'm standing there excited for this new chapter of our lives. 

Can I meet you halfway?

I pull and push.

You push harder in case I didn't notice. 

I try to run away but you're still there. 

You said you won't go away. You will wait.

I try to believe that. 

That you will wait.. But till when? 

Is there's a deadline for that? 

Is there's a deadline for feelings? 

You're willing to buy the stars and go away just to be with me.

You're pausing your future for me.

I feel the love, I feel everything you're trying to show me. 

Sometimes I feel I'm so tiny and weak because of all the things I might give up to move away and be with you. 

But am I giving away my happiness? 

What is happiness? Is it you and me or is it how we used to be? Pulling back and forth? 

You've loved me for years and till that day I couldn't give you anything but my presence and care.. But is that enough? 

Is that enough for you? 

Some days I'm the happiest when I'm with you, some others I'm scared of the distance. 

It happens, you get scared of what you attract.. I always attracted the distance. 

You're traveling and leaving things behind just to be with me somewhere in between. 

You're meeting me halfway. We came from the same street, years kept us apart and now we're meeting again in new place. A place you want to call home. 

Did I mention that I don't feel home in places? 

Did I tell you that I feel home in people? 

Will that make you run away? 

I think about you most of the time, and ask myself what if it went wrong.

Will I lose my best friend? 

Sometimes I miss you, I miss my best friend And I want him back the way it used to be. 

You're doing the most important things that any woman would want.

Did I mention how I love it when you sing to me? 

Did I tell you how I hate it when you're sad and I can't even hug you or kiss your forehead to tell you how it's going to be okay? 

I feel like we're going fast, going with the flow never did me wrong.

So let's go with the flow because wrong is not acceptable with you. 

Thank you!

This is a thank you note for all the bad people I've met in my life, jerks, liars and manipulative ones.. Those ones that showed me what I don't want to be like.. They proved to me that not all people are the same... They made me believe that even bad people have a purpose in this life.. Which Is to make you know the difference when good people replace them.

I've lived Cancer.

I've seen scars, in hospitals when I was walking down all the way to your room everyday. 

I've heard pain, when you asked when is this ending? Am I going to suffer like that forever? 

I've felt God, that moment when I was bending to kiss you on your cheek, and you breathed your last breath. It was also my last kiss. 

I've missed your presence, that moment I went back home after the funeral to find your empty bed. I was sitting right there beside you, 5 seconds away. But what is 5 seconds? 

I've felt strength, like never before, choosing to go through this pain day by day with someone you love is not an easy decision. 

I've counted days, a year passed, but the pain is still there. Nothing changed. But what is a year without you? 

I've understood the word "betrayal", when someone promised me the world just to disappear afterward. 

I've felt your presence, reminding me of how my good heart is one of my biggest flaws. 

I've breathed fresh air, that morning when I woke up with a smile on my face because I knew exactly what I deserve.

I've sneezed all the bad memories out of my system, they evaporated right in front of me, like a flame.

I've burnt all my words, even though I never regret anything, but some words must end up in the trash. I've seen you looking down at me with a proud smile on your face. 

I've felt love, I was scared and I kept talking to you and wishing you were here, I imagined you giving me the advice you used to always give me, The things you fear the most are the chances you don't want to miss. 

I've imagined my future, what I did in the past and how the little things makes me the happiest in my present. 

I've seen happiness, when you visited me in my dreams telling me that I'll do just great. 

Most of all, I've felt Peace, because I had a mother like you. 

لا اعلم كيف اجعل قلمي يصف هذا الشعور الذي لم اشعر به من قبل.. 

لا استطيع ان اميز اذا كان ما بداخلي هو خوف شديد ام نوع جديد من انواع الاطمئنان.. 

اراك تستعجبني وتنتظر ان اعطيك رد وتأكيد علي هذة الحالة بداخلي ولكني لا أقوي علي ان اصف هذه الحالة لحالي حتي اصفها لك.. 

اشعر بالاطمئنان وانا معك، اشعر بأنك شئ لم اره من قبل.. رغم انك صديق منذ الطفولة..

ايمكن لأن هذة اول مره اشعر بها بهذا الشعور مع شخص ما؟ 

شعور عدم الخوف من الشخص الاخر ولكن الخوف من حالي.. 

شعور اتعجب منه ولا اقدر علي وصفه الا ب هذة الجملة المعبرة " هما الحلوين علشان حلوين يعملوا فينا كدهوة؟ "

تبتسم قليلا وتقول لي " انتي كل الحلوين التي تراهم عيني " 

استمع اليك ف تبتسم روحي.. يدور في بالي سؤال اعرف اجابته " اذا اعطيت ظهري للحياة وقذفت للخلف.. هل ستنقذني؟ " 

" نعم.. ستنقذني" 

هذا هو الشعور الجديد الذي اعجز عن تفسيرة.. 

ان اكون مع شخص يدفعني للاعلي لاكون اقوي واذا دفعتني الايام والحياة للاسفل اجده ينقذني.. 

خلاصة الكلام.. انظر اليك واعلم اني سوف اكون بخير.. 

9/10/2015