December clouds.

To that night you said I'm not like any of those you met before. 

To that moment I believed you. 

To that handshake we had, it felt more like disconnecting. 

To that map we lost a long the way, and those words we didn't say.

To that night in the city where the lights didn't guide our souls to meet. 

To your promises that you didn't keep. 

I wasn't surprised. Did I tell you since when I stopped believing every word that comes out of your mouth? 

Did I tell you how I stopped expecting anything from anyone?

To that paycheck you handled me to pay, I felt like I'm paying you goodbyes. 

To that moment I fell asleep in your car, I was so scared of how irresponsible you are that I had my eyes half open to watch the road. 

To that flower that was promised but never delivered. 

To that goodbye you wanted to have. 

And that night I walked away. 

To that friend that made my day by celebrating with my favorite cake. 

That cake you wanted to have with me. 

To those nights I wondered how many do I have to lose in order to keep myself. 

To those nights I thought about your empty words. 

To that city where everything is happening. 

And everyone is having the time of their lives.

To that flight I missed to go back home.

To those that helped me through that day.

To that stranger that took me out for a walk. 

It's all I ever wanted, a walk and an ear. In a city where no one is clear. 

To that city where everything is overrated, those skyscrapers that hold more secrets than souls. 

To those souls that left a memory in my heart, just by passing by and smiling.

To that trip, that changed how I see myself. 

To myself.. I'm so proud of you. 

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, our hearts are still connected, I still remember that Kiss on your cheek in my dream, it felt so real, I remember your hand going through my hair, I still remember my voice, my tears, I was so afraid to let you go, I told you I love you so much more than I'll ever love someone or love myself. I believe that dreams are a substitute for phone calls from heaven. Today, I woke up far away from home but it felt like home just because I was hugging you all night long. Till we meet again Mum .. 

Human beings are like doors, some of them are open, some others are closed. Some of them take you to good places in life, some others take you somewhere different. Some are easy to open, some others never open no matter how much you try. There's a new opportunity behind every closed door, behind every person you meet. You have to be wise and choose which door to carefully open, which person you intend to trust. Not all doors will take you somewhere good. Not all people will keep their promises. 

And in the end, you need to always know when it's time to leave and close the door behind you. Not everyone deserve your presence. 

The first people to walk away from your life are the ones that were mad because you didn't trust them enough to open up. 

Once you trust them, they promise you that they will never leave you, so you open up and they leave. End of story. Or shall I say, Game over. 

In a world where Social media has taken over, no one is ever too busy to check their phone. We are living in a place where your phone is the only thing that's keeping you busy, cut the excuses, it's all a matter of priorities. 

She was warming up with a cup of hot chocolate when she remembered that around this time last year, she said "never". She never asked you to look her way. 

She's not harsh, She's strong. She has learned her lessons the hard way. 

She remembers those she left behind, they follow her like a shadow wherever She goes.

Don't you see how hard it is? 

She give chances. She does. 

But she also leaves when she has no other choice. 

Now you come knocking on her door for the third time, looking for that face you love, but she's not there. 

She chose not to be there. And that's something you will never understand. That's something she could only explain to herself, her choices. Her reasons. Her mistakes. 

You're still building your bridge to meet her halfway, while she's still building walls to protect you from her. 

It's not that She's bad or something's wrong with her, she's not that kind of person that will hide behind an "it's not you, it's me." Because she's not a coward, she's not running away from you, it's the total opposite.. This is just not our time.

Remember when you said "Forever".

It was the same exact moment I knew we will never be together. 

I never thought that in order to find me, you will lose yourself. 

I don't want you to promise me the stars when you don't even see them. 

I want no stars. 

I need no forever. 

So don't promise me forever unless we're still holding hands in heaven. 

I wish I had all the happiness in the world, so I could wrap it all in a box and give it to you. Or how about more cheeks so I could inject them into yours. I know you love cheeks. 

I wish I had all the perfect ingredients, time and money to feed you your favorite food. Or how about I grow wings and take you for a tour. I know you would love to fly. 

Maybe I could talk to your soul, to tell you how important you are to me, and give you my eyes, so I could show you how I see your beautiful heart. 

Most of all, I wish I had a bigger heart so I could keep you inside of it and protect you from this world. 

I love you. 

Somedays she wakes up and feels like She has a bubble of love that She wants to give out to some people, She felt like screaming into their eyes saying I love you, you're such an amazing person, please take that bubble of love and keep it. Keep it yourself, it will grow more bubbles of love inside of you, so that you could give them out to other people you meet everyday. Spread those bubbles around. 

You might have haters because you're successful, but not only successful people have haters, assholes, liars, unkind and mean people have haters as well. So lower your ego, because not every successful person has to be an asshole.

November Tulips.

Even if we talk all day long, sometimes I keep stuff to myself, it's what I do the best. I tend to write to you because I know you're reading this now.

You were my September tulips and my October rain. I was protecting myself from falling again. 

See, I'm good at protecting myself, but not when it comes to you. 

I know I don't need any kind of protection when I'm with you. 

I'm still afraid of failing you, I've failed someone in my August waves. Just because I couldn't see myself with him, I also wasn't ready.. And I don't talk with a mouth full of forevers when I'm not sure of my present. I'm tired of walking away from people that love me, I'm tired of people walking away from me.

I've felt loss, when my mum died and that's why that last year when people left, I didn't care that much, because I felt and grieved the greatest loss of all time. I don't want you to be a loss. I don't want you to leave. I don't wanna leave. 

You're here now, I won't lie to you and tell you that I didn't feel anything. 

I knew that something will happen one day between us, I just didn't know when. 

I'm just scared of your waiting, we're only two weeks away from meeting again. 

You're walking full of smiles and tulips. 

I'm standing there excited for this new chapter of our lives. 

Can I meet you halfway?

I pull and push.

You push harder in case I didn't notice. 

I try to run away but you're still there. 

You said you won't go away. You will wait.

I try to believe that. 

That you will wait.. But till when? 

Is there's a deadline for that? 

Is there's a deadline for feelings? 

You're willing to buy the stars and go away just to be with me.

You're pausing your future for me.

I feel the love, I feel everything you're trying to show me. 

Sometimes I feel I'm so tiny and weak because of all the things I might give up to move away and be with you. 

But am I giving away my happiness? 

What is happiness? Is it you and me or is it how we used to be? Pulling back and forth? 

You've loved me for years and till that day I couldn't give you anything but my presence and care.. But is that enough? 

Is that enough for you? 

Some days I'm the happiest when I'm with you, some others I'm scared of the distance. 

It happens, you get scared of what you attract.. I always attracted the distance. 

You're traveling and leaving things behind just to be with me somewhere in between. 

You're meeting me halfway. We came from the same street, years kept us apart and now we're meeting again in new place. A place you want to call home. 

Did I mention that I don't feel home in places? 

Did I tell you that I feel home in people? 

Will that make you run away? 

I think about you most of the time, and ask myself what if it went wrong.

Will I lose my best friend? 

Sometimes I miss you, I miss my best friend And I want him back the way it used to be. 

You're doing the most important things that any woman would want.

Did I mention how I love it when you sing to me? 

Did I tell you how I hate it when you're sad and I can't even hug you or kiss your forehead to tell you how it's going to be okay? 

I feel like we're going fast, going with the flow never did me wrong.

So let's go with the flow because wrong is not acceptable with you. 

Thank you!

This is a thank you note for all the bad people I've met in my life, jerks, liars and manipulative ones.. Those ones that showed me what I don't want to be like.. They proved to me that not all people are the same... They made me believe that even bad people have a purpose in this life.. Which Is to make you know the difference when good people replace them.

I've lived Cancer.

I've seen scars, in hospitals when I was walking down all the way to your room everyday. 

I've heard pain, when you asked when is this ending? Am I going to suffer like that forever? 

I've felt God, that moment when I was bending to kiss you on your cheek, and you breathed your last breath. It was also my last kiss. 

I've missed your presence, that moment I went back home after the funeral to find your empty bed. I was sitting right there beside you, 5 seconds away. But what is 5 seconds? 

I've felt strength, like never before, choosing to go through this pain day by day with someone you love is not an easy decision. 

I've counted days, a year passed, but the pain is still there. Nothing changed. But what is a year without you? 

I've understood the word "betrayal", when someone promised me the world just to disappear afterward. 

I've felt your presence, reminding me of how my good heart is one of my biggest flaws. 

I've breathed fresh air, that morning when I woke up with a smile on my face because I knew exactly what I deserve.

I've sneezed all the bad memories out of my system, they evaporated right in front of me, like a flame.

I've burnt all my words, even though I never regret anything, but some words must end up in the trash. I've seen you looking down at me with a proud smile on your face. 

I've felt love, I was scared and I kept talking to you and wishing you were here, I imagined you giving me the advice you used to always give me, The things you fear the most are the chances you don't want to miss. 

I've imagined my future, what I did in the past and how the little things makes me the happiest in my present. 

I've seen happiness, when you visited me in my dreams telling me that I'll do just great. 

Most of all, I've felt Peace, because I had a mother like you. 

لا اعلم كيف اجعل قلمي يصف هذا الشعور الذي لم اشعر به من قبل.. 

لا استطيع ان اميز اذا كان ما بداخلي هو خوف شديد ام نوع جديد من انواع الاطمئنان.. 

اراك تستعجبني وتنتظر ان اعطيك رد وتأكيد علي هذة الحالة بداخلي ولكني لا أقوي علي ان اصف هذه الحالة لحالي حتي اصفها لك.. 

اشعر بالاطمئنان وانا معك، اشعر بأنك شئ لم اره من قبل.. رغم انك صديق منذ الطفولة..

ايمكن لأن هذة اول مره اشعر بها بهذا الشعور مع شخص ما؟ 

شعور عدم الخوف من الشخص الاخر ولكن الخوف من حالي.. 

شعور اتعجب منه ولا اقدر علي وصفه الا ب هذة الجملة المعبرة " هما الحلوين علشان حلوين يعملوا فينا كدهوة؟ "

تبتسم قليلا وتقول لي " انتي كل الحلوين التي تراهم عيني " 

استمع اليك ف تبتسم روحي.. يدور في بالي سؤال اعرف اجابته " اذا اعطيت ظهري للحياة وقذفت للخلف.. هل ستنقذني؟ " 

" نعم.. ستنقذني" 

هذا هو الشعور الجديد الذي اعجز عن تفسيرة.. 

ان اكون مع شخص يدفعني للاعلي لاكون اقوي واذا دفعتني الايام والحياة للاسفل اجده ينقذني.. 

خلاصة الكلام.. انظر اليك واعلم اني سوف اكون بخير.. 

9/10/2015

Have faith.

If there's anything I've learned from this year is that Everything in this life works as planned. God planned every step we will take through our growth and this is how everything will work out. 

All I needed to do was to trust in God, trust and believe in the fact that something bigger is coming my way, something will happen, not just anything but something good will happen.

And in order for that thing to happen, I need to understand myself and my growth so when that thing is here, I'll be ready for it and welcome it in the right way. 

I had a lot of strength to go through a lot these past 5 years, But I knew that God didn't create me just to be in pain with a strong mindset to get through it. No, Allah created me for a purpose and a responsibility in this Life. No matter what happens I should go on and move on with the idea of fulfilling my purpose of existence. 

Some people will come along in your life and convince you that they complete you, beware of them, because you're a complete person on your own, you have things to do on your own, you have responsibilities to keep on your own. No one is here to complete you. Your husband the love of your life should be an addition to that. Addition to your life. 

And when you don't get that, you don't get your worth, and when someone leaves you, you're lost. But it shouldn't work that way. 

You shouldn't be lost because someone left you. You should know that this happened for the best. You should know that you're hurt now because you need to be prepared to welcome something bigger that will heal you. This person shouldn't make you feel any less. 

This thing happened for a reason, and now you need to concentrate on yourself and your growth, it will lift you up. 

Everything will come around in another shape, you might never expect it, but trust me when I say that God will surprise you with his mercy. Keep your faith in God. 

رسالة لن تقرأ

ربما لن تستطيع ان تقرأ هذة الرسالة, أو ربما يوما ما حين يتعبك الرحيل تأتي الي هنا وتعلم انها موجه لك

صدمتني صراحتك.. ربما لأني لم أقابل شخص مثلك من قبل او ربما لأني كنت أعتقد أن الصراحة كافية لمواجة اي صعوبة بهذة الحياة.. ربما نسيت ان هذا يتطلب الكثير من الشجاعة.

أن تحب..

أن تحب وأن تعترف بذلك يتطلب شجاعة.. 

أقف أمام رسالتك وأخجل عن التعبير عن ما بداخلي.. فماذا فعلت لك أنا لتحبني هذا الحب؟

أتردد كثيرا في المواجهة.. ف أنا أحبك كثيرا ولكن ليس كما تريدني..

هذا هو الفارق بيننا.. ف أنا خسرتك ك صديق يوم قررت ان تعترف لي بحبك..

ولكن هذا لم يفقدك الامل.. تاتي الي البارحة ملئ بالأحلام وأقف انا ف وسط الطريق امنعك من الوصول..

كم قاسية هذة الحياة؟ ليتني استطيع ان اضغط علي أي شئ بداخلي فأصحوا من النوم وأعطيك ولو جزء صغير من هذا الحب..

لكن انا وانت نعلم جيدا ان هذا العالم لا يتغير بالضغط علي شئ..

لن أستطيع ان أعطيك أشياء لا أشعر بها.. لا أستطيع أن اوعدك بشئ لن أفعله, او أن اوعدك وعود في الهواء لحين أتغير ولا أتغير فتصبح أنت الشخص الذي أخجل من النظر في عينيه..

فالوعود يا صديقي ليست مجرد كلام, الوعود هي بناء أحلام, لا أستطيع ان ابني معك حلم أقف فيه بجانبك, امسك يدك وأقول سوف أحاول, لأصدمك بعد ذلك بفشلي.. فأترك يدك وأرحل وتبقي انت وحدك تقف وسط الحلم.. لست أنا هذه المرأة.

لذلك قلت لك من البداية سأرحل.. لم تصدقني.. فرحلت.. وتبقي أنت تبحث عني.. وأبقي أنا تائهة وسط أحلامك لا أعلم كيف لي بمواصلة حياتي ومعي ظلك يلاحقني؟

أعلم جيدا ماذا أخسراليوم.. أخسر قلب يحبني ولا يريد أي شئ في المقابل.

ولا أملك في يدي شئ ولا حتي الأعتذار.. لأن أعتذاري لن ينفع قلبك بشئ.

أتذكرك دائما وأدعوا لك فانت من القلائل الذين صدمتني شجاعتهم في هذة الحياة.

صدقني عندما أقول لك ان الرحيل ليس بسهل.. ولكنه القرار الصحيح.

 سوف نتقابل قريبا.. وسوف تتقابل أعيننا ويدينا.. فأعلم انك تقتلني كل مره اراك فيها ولا أستطيع أن أنظر لك بحب كما تنظر لي..

3:18 PM

30-8-2015

When you wake up in the middle of the night asking yourself what are you doing here please remind yourself of the kindness lost inside your heart and trust me when I say that this world is not your zoo And those people are not here to entertain you. Now lower your ego, and go back to sleep. You're going to be okay.

١٦/٢/٢٠١٥

الأشياء تأتي وتذهب..

الظلام يحل والشمس تغيب.. 

مؤقتا..

أسكب اللبن لأملئ فنجاني الممتلئ نصفه بالشاي.. لأتذكر

احاول ان اكثر من اكل الفاكهة.. فأتذكر

انظر الي ابتسامتنا في الصور.. اتذكر كم هي مؤقتة

كل الاشياء تذهب وتبقين انتي

كنت نائمة مكانك بغرفتك

احتضن ابي واخي يحتضنه وكم تمنيت ان تكوني معنا لأشعر بالدفا بداخلك، اتشمم رائحتك واشعر بنبض قلبك فاشعر بالامان لأن عالمي مازال ينبض بالحياة..

كل الطرق تؤدي اليك..

كل الاشياء تذكرني بك..

كل العادات اكتسبتها منك.. 

كرهتها ام احببتها..

انتهي بيا المطاف بفعلها..

اتذكر الكلام.. الوجع والنظارات..

اتذكر الالم والدموع.. الانتظار والامل

لا استطيع ان امضي بدون تذكرك فحياتي بدأت بداخلك

كتب علينا الفراق.. اللهم لا اعتراض

كل شئ مؤقتا.. الا ذكراكي..

سأظل اشرب الشاي باللبن كما كنتي تشربين..

سأحب الفاكهة مثلما كنتي تحبينها 

سأظل اكتب لك دائما

كل الافكار تؤدي اليكي

اعتقد حان الوقت لاعترف.. سوف اعترف لك يا صديقي عن اخفاقي

نعم لقد اخفقت.. لست انا الانسانة التي تعودت ان تراها.. لن تتمكن من معرفتي 

اصبحت انظر للمرئاه ولا اعرفني 

قد اكون مجهدة.. لقد ارهقني حمل الوجع علي اكتافي

اتنقل هنا وهناك اعتقادا مني بحرية لم اتذوقها بعد، لم اعلم كم انا مقيدة باشياء لا وجود لها 

نعم لا وجود لها.. لا يمكنك لمسها ولكن يمكنك ان تسمع تضفقها بداخلك كلما نبض قلبك.. يمكنك سماعها خلال هذا النفس الذي يخرج منك فتتمني ان ينتزع معه هذا الوجع.. ولكن يذهب النفس ويظل هذا الشعور الغير مرغوب فيه.. 

هل ارهقك التنفس بعد؟ 

اتسائل اذا كانت اجسامنا تتحدث، من سوف يشتكي اكثر؟ قلبك لانك ارهقته بالوجع؟ ام عقلك لانك اوهمته بانك بخير؟ 

اجلس في الظلام كثيرا وافكر.. متي اصبحت لا اخاف من العتمة؟ 

اتذكر.. 

حينما فقدت.. 

الفقدان يا صديقي.. سوف يحل محل مخاوفك ليصبح هو الملك الوحيد المسيطر علي ما بداخلك.. 

امازلت تتنفس؟ تمسك يا صديق فلقد تبقي القليل..

الأمان هو ماما

الأمان هو أن تتمسك يدي بيدك علي ثقة بعدم الأفتراق... 

الأمان هو أن أسمع صوت أنفاسك.. أن أسمع دعواتك لي.. 

الأمان هو وجودي معك في نفس المكان.. أن أسمع دقات قلبك..

الأمان شعور ذهب معك ولم يعد

...

قسوة الاشتياق..

تقاطعني افكاري للحظة بينما ابحث عن دفء ظلك للاختفاء به

لا اعلم اذا كنت مريضة بمرضك ام مرضك مريض بي؟ 

اعلم بأني اخشاة كثيرا.. اخاف ان امرض به لمجرد خوفي منه

هل يمكن ان تمرض بمرض بسبب خوفك منه؟ 

اتوقف للحظة لالتقاط انفاسي 

فلقد ارهقني البحث عن دفء مثل دفء حضنك الذي حرمت منه 

ف منذ ان غادرتي وانا روحي مهلكة، ابحث هنا وهناك 

ولكن لا اجد شئ، ف انا اصبحت لا اعرف عن ماذا ابحث؟ 

هل ابحث عنك؟ انا اشعر بكي قريبة جدا حتي ولو كنت بعيدة جدا..

هل ابحث عن حنانك؟ ولو بحثت عنه فمن اخدع انا؟ هل يوجد حنان يضاهي حنانك؟ 

ربما يجب علي البحث عن نفسي فلقد ضلت طريق عودتها إلي مند رحيلك